2 Years Later and I refuse to stop

Hello there,

I'm not really sure if anyone still reads me or not but I am back. After a 2 year hiatus, an inspirational entry here and there sprinkled in between.

I contemplated writing this entry...................

Simply because I didn't know if I wanted to make this public anymore. Yanno the weightloss battle. But then I go back and I read so many encouraging comments even on my 2-4 year old posts and they really even to this day inspire me.

I gained every lb that I'd lost back and put on more. I don't know how it happened or when it occurred but one day I woke up 25 lbs higher than my highest weight. I could feel it in my back, I was out of breath just getting up to move from here to there. And I would think. How in the World did I get like this?

Wallow in depression and eat to make myself feel better. Then I'd feel horrible because I'd ate to myself feel better and what better way to smother those emotions than with more food? And the cycle continued. I couldn't fit an inkling of clothing that I had. All the way up to the 22's fitting rather tightly. I fit 24's comfortably and that told me something........ It was time to get off the rollercoaster.

Health problems are one of my biggest fears. I am lucky to have gotten to the weight that I am at and to have ONLY hypothyroid as a problem in my life and not a humongous one at that. I don't have diabetes, i don't have high blood pressure, high cholestorol, heart disease or any of that. Blessed to be a healthy fat.

So I kept struggling with facing my fears about it all. And amazingly enough I have started and ended at least 20 diet's within the last 3 years. And I have started exercising atleast 2-3 weeks straight out of every month for the past 3 years and still couldn't keep up with it.

I changed my profile pic because this was me in November of 2008. It is the closest representation of how much weight I'd gained. And believe me I have more embarrassing photos to boot. I have a husband that loves me dearly and I appreciate and love him so much for that. But i don't want to be just a pretty face. I want FOR ME to feel like I make him feel young again.
I know size has nothing to do with it and that he loves me. I'm doing this for me. I need to get my health back, my energy back, and my glow back. Just a little bit brighter for the world to see. i cannot minister and be unhealthy too.

The bible says to be in health even as your soul prospers. And lately I've kept in my spirit every time I get weak and want to cave in I say to myself. He that hath no control over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls (protection) Proverbs 25:14.

I will never be unprotected again. I have the protection first off of my Daddy God. But I need to be naturally equipped to handle life as it hits me as well.

So I've decided to do it. I'm on a bariatric diet. I didn't get the surgery but I am following the diet plan. That was my instruction in prayer. It also has equipped me to get back into the discipline of fasting when i pray. i have not successfully fasted since the last time I was healthy. That's been about 2-3 years.

I've been doing clear liquids for the first 2 weeks (14 Days), I am now moving into the thicker liquids for a week. Like carnation breakfast meal replacements or pureed foods that have protein, and fiber in them. I started the process with a 48 hour Acai berry Cleanse with Water Cayenne maple syrup and Acai berry. I was the most disgusting stuff I've ever tasted in my life but my face is clearing up very well.

I have not really been exercising hard as I don't have the fuel (solid food) that I need to sustain my hunger after a tough work out. i walk about 45 minutes 4 times a week but that's really it. I have lost 23 lbs in 7 days which I know is not exactly typical or the most sane of ways to do it. But i am desperate and determined to get this weight off. i have a 4-6 week plan.

believe me I am a pro and could probably be a licensed nutritionist if I actually followed the dietary guidelines that i know how to set oh so well for eating. I have failed so many times before but this time I am not failing. And I refuse to stop.

I have prayed to God about all of this and I know that I have to learn how to eat healthily all over again. I have to retrain my mind to eat with proper nutrition and not just " what I feel like eating", i have to retain my mentality to go from "living to eat" to "eating to live". I have to train my mentality when i go to eat delicious savory foods to marinate in the taste of food and savor ever bite slowly and enjoy the food, from eating up as much as I can because I'm soooo HONGRY and not tasting it until it's already been digested lol.

I noticed something that I was kind of ashamed of to admit but heck this is my blog I can write whatever i want. But this is what I noticed these last couple of weeks. I am a closet eater. I never acknowledged it before but I have identified it and now I see it. Before I re-started this journey whenever i was home alone (meaning no hubby no kids just me), I notice that I eat and eat and eat and eat until I feel sick. It's like I'm hoarding up food or something I have NO idea where this came from. It's not even eating out of boredom. I'd just eat it because it was there. It was like my mind felt like if I didn't eat it someone else would so I might as well get mines in while no one's here. And hubby would complain because he couldn't keep pop in the house cause I'd drink them like water. back to back to back.

Coming up in my house it was like that though. Every man for him/herself. My grandmother was a diabetic so we NEVER kept sweets in the house. My husband grew up spoiled rotten so he feels that we should ALWAYS have sweets in the house. I have to literally retrain my brain to look at food in a different way. I know that this is a mentality issue and like most people say weightloss is 80% mental 20% work. I'm working on the 80% mental and incorporating the work into it. But my embarrasing find (getting back to that) is that since I've went on this diet we have had SO MUCH leftover food in the house it's just astonishing. And I now know if I never did before that the food was disappearing quickly because of me. What a startling revelation right?

Well i think this weightloss chronicles will be different this time. Because I'm retraining my brain to think with a healthy mentality and to shed the Morbid Obesity mentality that I've had all my life even as a skinny teenager.

I don't know if I still have readers or not. But if I do I ask that you comment if you'd like or lurk whichever is easier for you. But I'm going to be as Christianly Candid as I know how because I'm going into the battlefield of the Mind to conquer this time around and I will be victorious.

Thanks for your eyes. Love ya!