Self Sabotage 08/04/06

As I reflect on this weight loss journey and as God gives me introspect on my life during this consecration I am beginning to understand the root of my self sabotage. I have stated many times in other forums and in my blogs I have become slave and victim to self sabotage. I can even recognize it WHILE it’s in operation. Now let me explain this to you. What I mean is I will be a part of a regimen that either I have put in place or just following along with a program that yields the best results for me ex: Weight Watchers, or the Weigh Down Diet. Once I get to a new low I feel great, but then I began to eat the weight back on. And I maintain. My Body is wonderful at maintaining. And naturally maintaining at that. I kept wondering why why why do I do this to myself?

Today I was going to the restroom and to the water cooler to refill my 32 oz water bottle and I was praying and communing. And I wanted to make sure in my mind that this fast that I am partaking in is not a fast to lose weight but a fast in humbling myself before the Lord and allowing my own will to be burnt upon the altar of sacrifice and allowing myself to be molded and made into the pattern that God wants me to be made into. This whole thing is a self humbling and transformation experience for me. But I know that with all of this will come weight loss. And I’ve already determined that weight loss is not the goal it’s about spiritual enrichment and learning about my purpose and self discipline. I don’t know how long this consecration will last but God is showing me that it’s going to be longer than I think.

And I thought about the lowest weight that I’ve been at since I have been trying to lose weight. Which has been 237 lbs. I was holding steady at 242 and I lost a considerable amount of weight. An amount that I could be proud of and see progress in. But instantly I ate all the weight back on plus some more and maintained at that weight. So my thing was now I know that I will lose weight so I’m already planning out how I will fast which will include juicing towards the end of the fast to prepare me to began eating solid raw proportionate foods. And I think where does this self sabotage come from?

And I figured it out! It sounds stupid but I don’t think my body likes feeling lighter. Like I’ve gotten used to the amount that I’ve already lost but when I hit the 230’s my body begins to feel significantly lighter. And I think in my mind it makes me subconsciously tell my mind that I am weak. And I don’t like feeling weak. As I thought about this my pondering led to this, “Well if I’m feeling weak at 230 something good Lord what am I going to do when I get to my goal weight of 150lbs?!?!” But now that I recognize that self sabotage talk I know that feeling lighter does not mean being weaker! I can gain strength and get used to feeling lighter but I have to catch the self sabotage before it gets me to give in. Well I am going to go on and when I get past the 230’s I am determined to keep going. Well thanks for lending me your ear. On to the consecration.